The Nick Abbot Habit

00:02 This is a global production. 00:04 Oh, it's a good one for you this week. In this episode of Clips from 2022, dental patients came together in solidarity. 00:14 People cheated on Wordle. 00:18 Mr. Blobby was in the altogether. And a cartoon character got a new look. Julius texts, I wonder if Brexiteers ever reflect that, having largely enjoyed and flourished in a Europe free of conflict since World War II. Here we are just a few years after Brexit on the brink of the next World War. 00:36 Yeah, thanks a lot, Nigel Farage. See what you've done? 00:40 I don't think the two are necessarily connected, but OK. Evan texts, while I was cleaning the inside of my kitchen window this morning, Boris passed by and gave the outside a wipe. 00:50 He walked off saying, I made it very clear. Oh, God. Listeners with material. Oh, no. Really bad material, too. 00:59 I should have pre-read that for your convenience. 0345 6060 973. I want to talk about bonging in just a minute. 01:11 Dipper tweets, you should be grateful if Bojo gets voted in again. It'll give you another five years of banging your head on your desk. You lost. Get over it, says Dipper. 01:21 Another one of these people that think because the people that he defines as liberals have lost, then that means that he has won. What have you won, Dipper? 01:34 I mean, I know that you are making jests, but what do you actually believe deep down? What do you think that you have won so far? Anything? Anything at all? 01:45 Time's running out. I was going to talk about bongs. I was also going to talk about a cartoon character. I will do it in the next hour. I promise you I'll do it. 01:53 By the way, I did mention this before, but if your eyes get a little bit droopy and you just can't take it anymore, and you have to give yourself up to sleep, then this show does get stuck up the internet as a podcast. We take the news and the ads out, which means it takes less time to listen to, so you'll use less electricity, and you won't have to sell a kidney to pay your fuel bill. 02:17 Ask for it by name on an internet near you, Nick Abbott, The Whole Show. 02:22 Now, if you download Global Player, by the way, and stick it up your phone, then you will find it on there, along with the other two podcasts that I do. Global Player. It's got everything. All of the stations that we do, all of the podcasts. It'll keep you entertained from now until the end of time, which should be any moment. 02:42 You want to get it right now and cram in as much amusement as you can because, you know, we're all about to get incinerated in what we call World War III. Global thermonuclear war coming to a location near you soon. 02:56 Sleaford. Steve. 02:58 Hi. 02:59 Steve. 03:00 Hey, I'm just... It's just occurred to me that the increases that they're asking us to pay for... 03:10 Basically, they're underfunding for the last 10 years. It's ridiculous. They're asking us because they've underfunded since they've been in power. 03:19 You're talking about the NHS? Yeah, yeah. 03:20 The NHS, right. 03:23 They have. They continue to say... They continue to... 03:30 It's all lies, basically. They say, well, no government in history has ever spent more money than we have on the NHS and we've got 40 new hospitals and 140,000 new nurses and all of this stuff that they're just making up out of thin air. And it doesn't matter how many times that they are told that they're pulled up on those lies, they just continue to say them because they're fans... 03:52 Take it in and repeat it. That's the idea. 03:55 They're speaking and they're just singing from the same history. They've been told what to say. So wherever they get interviewed, they all say the same thing. All say the same thing. And then we have to put up the national insurance to pay for the fact that they haven't invested since they've been in power. So the taxpayer's got to pay more. 04:15 Correct. 04:16 For the bungling. 04:17 Yeah, I know. I can't believe it. That's all I've got to say. All right, well, it sounds like you said it. Good work. Thanks, Steve. Yeah, if you look at our major competitors in Europe, Europe, the EU, you'll find that they have more doctors than we do per head of population. They have more hospital beds per head of population. They have more ICU beds per head of population. They have more consultants. They have more nurses, have more carers, all of that. 04:45 but you can't get a word in edgeways because the PM or one of his enabling ministers will say, well, under our munificent leadership, we've spent more money on the NHS than ever before in history, and we've got more nurses, and we've got more doctors, and we've got... And it's just lie, lie, lie, lie, lie. Liar! 05:06 If you look at how much they have spent above inflation, which is, of course, the most important to measure, because it doesn't matter how much you spend, if it's more than inflation... 05:16 then it's meaningless, then it's a reduction, not an increase. 05:20 And I think under the previous Labour administration, they spent about 6% extra on the NHS, above inflation per year. 05:31 When the Conservative Party came in, that plummeted. It went down to about inflation, as in they didn't actually spend more at all, despite the NHS requiring more money because of an increasing population and the more expensive treatments and medicines and machines that go bing and all of that stuff. 05:52 So every single thing that they say you have to take with a pinch of salt, a giant bucket of salt... 05:58 Sally says, I feel for you with regards to your tooth. 06:02 I spent £1,000 on premolar, root-filled, etc. 06:07 What does that mean? 06:09 What's a premolar? 06:11 She says, after a year of pain and trying to keep it in my mouth, last week I had it extracted, stitches out, now I think I have an infection. 06:19 Stop making me laugh as it hurts too much. 06:22 Hurts so good by... 06:26 Come on, baby, now it hurts so good. Rock and roll! Bob Seger? I'm going to say Bob Seger. 06:34 Anyway, she says, stop making me laugh. 06:36 Hey, Sally. Stop whining. 06:38 She says, my daughter is making me a necklace from my tooth. Oh, as it was the most expensive tooth in my mouth. Good luck with your tooth, says Sally. 06:47 Thanks, Sally. 06:52 I'll send it to you if it comes out and you can stick it on your necklace. 06:57 No need to thank me. 06:59 And I can't stand him. Did Zora Sullivan, our newsreader, just say that they just discovered a worm with multiple... multiple butts on its head? What? Is that what she just said? 07:17 A multiple butted worm? 07:21 Well, that's the worst thing I've ever heard. 07:26 I wonder if it would like to be the Prime Minister. 07:33 Much to the excitement of research... Here's that story. I don't know if I want to read this. 07:40 It sounds like the alien monster. 07:43 Much to the excitement of researchers and the horror of everyone else, marine biologists have discovered a new creature, a worm that can branch out in a number of directions and has a number of butts on its head. 07:55 The worm lives in sea sponges, which is another excellent reason not to wash with a sponge. 08:04 That is awful. I say we blast off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure. 08:14 Do they mostly come out at night? 08:18 Mostly. 08:21 Phil tweets, wordle in two moves today. About three minutes, but I'm not one to boast, says Phil, boasting. 08:29 Thank you, Phil, but we don't wish to know that. 08:32 Chris emails, Johnson is heading to Ukraine next week for a photo opportunity in his international statesman hard hat and high-vis jacket. I'm suitably impressed and distracted just by the thought of it. Sue who? 08:43 Sue who? 08:45 Sue who? 08:47 Like an owl. Sue who? 08:52 He's going over there to shake his fist at Vladimir Putin. Anybody believe that? No. American diplomats have expressed fears that any sanctions imposed on Russia... 09:01 over potential conflict in Ukraine would ultimately be ineffective due to the amount of Russian wealth in London. 09:09 We are up to our eyeballs in it. 09:12 The US, UK and a host of other NATO countries have promised to impose harsh sanctions on Russia should Rutentutin proceed with a sightseeing trip of Ukraine for 100,000 of his closest friends. 09:26 But US authorities are now concerned that Britain's threats to levy tough economic penalties against Rudin are empty after years of allowing Russian kleptocrats to funnel what sources described as a hell of a lot of money into London grad. 09:40 It's all about the money, honey, and we've been bought and paid for. 09:46 Are Conservative politicians in receipt of Russian money? Yes. 09:51 And how many... 09:53 Politicians in the Conservative Party are in receipt of Russian money. Approximately. To the nearest round number. And one. More. Two. More. 10:06 Six million. Yeah, it's probably about that. Probably about six million, Zayfod. 10:11 Good counting. 10:14 American diplomats have expressed fears that any sanctions imposed on Russia over potential conflict in Ukraine would ultimately be ineffective due to the amount of Russian wealth in London. This is a report in the Super Soar Away Mail. 10:28 This country makes its living by washing clean the ill-gotten gains of the international criminal super-rich. 10:35 We're a one-stop shop for some of the worst people in the world to whitewash the reputation and their money. 10:43 Our legal system is so conducive to keeping their shenanigans secret that people come from all over the world to sue journalists and whistleblowers here. 10:52 Our law firms, banks, accountants, estate agents, all eating out of each other's hands. 10:59 Fed from the top by Russia. 11:02 It's pretty shameful, really. I mean, it's kind of embarrassing, but, you know, that's what you get when you concentrate on the finance racket in preference to manufacturing. 11:12 and you have a regulator that is underfunded and way too close to the organisation it's supposed to regulate. 11:18 I mean, people in finance might dress well, but what they do is more damaging than the criminals that they enable. 11:25 We're invited to scream for the prosecution of a £10-a-bag street-corner drug dealer, while our famous banking institutions help watch the proceeds of vast organised crime syndicates that make billions from that trade. 11:41 And just enough of that money ends up in politicians' pockets to grease the wheels and allow it to continue. And everyone gets richer except us, who have to pay for our country being used by organised crime, just like a cuckoo takes over the nest of another bird. 11:58 American authorities are concerned out loud that Britain's threats to levy tough economic penalties against Putin... are empty, after years of allowing Russian kleptocrats to funnel what sources describe as a hell of a lot of money into London crowd. 12:15 And establishing an accurate estimate for the amount of Russian money in London is extremely difficult, as the overwhelming majority of Russian funds invested in Britain enter the country via offshore accounts. 12:26 But the British Intelligence and Security Committee of Parliament found that Russian money has been flowing into the UK since the 1990s, with investor schemes and relaxed regulations providing ideal conditions for kleptocrats to funnel tens if not hundreds of billions of pounds into our economy in return for a great deal of influence. 12:50 The committee said... 12:52 Few questions, if any, were asked about the provenance of this considerable wealth and that several members of the Russian elite are identified as being involved with charitable and or political organisations in the UK having donated to political parties, which positions them to assist Russian influence operations. Political parties, plural. Is there one party that's had the bulk, if not all, of that money? Um... 13:22 But this isn't news. I mean, it's just that the government hasn't done anything about it for reasons that you might wish to conclude are not good. 13:31 According to the Know Your Country website, which tracks countries' money laundering risk profile, the UK is ranked 79 below countries such as Zambia, Rwanda and Qatar. 13:47 According to the American-British financier Bill Browder, London is the world capital of dirty money. 13:56 And it's not just the Russians, of course, it's the Chinese, who are now the biggest overseas buyers of property in London. 200,000 properties are in the hands of the Chinese and Hong Kong buyers in London. 200,000. 14:09 There's whole stretches of London's newly built hideous skyline that have been sold to the Chinese. It's not our country anymore. 14:17 We sold it for a quick profit to some of the worst people in the world because, like our ethical foreign policy on arms sales, we don't care who you are or what you're doing as long as you've got the cash. 14:31 What a way to run a country, eh? Dreadful. Oh my God, there's a picture of that worm. 14:38 Oh, that is hideous. It's a butt worm. 14:47 It's a creature made... And I'm not making this up. This creature is made of hundreds of aqueous anuses that are spread across tendril-like branches. Disgusting. Trust me, don't look it up on Google. 15:10 But, aqueous anuses would be an excellent name for a rock band. 15:13 Rock and roll! 15:14 Who's with me? 15:16 Please get that off my screen. 15:19 I am begging you, right now, as in immediately, if not sooner. 15:23 Thank you. 15:26 I want to talk about bongs in a minute. 15:28 And if I go another break without doing it, I want you to correct me. 15:34 Upminster. Hello, Keith. 15:36 Bong and Bob, the big bodress bong. 15:38 Yes. 15:41 Was it Susan Cadogan? 15:43 Who? 15:45 Hurt So Good. Was it Susan Cadogan? 15:47 Hurt So Good. I think it was Bob Seger or... Come on, baby, now it's Hurt So Good. 15:56 I think it was a female artist, Susan Cadogan, I'm fairly sure. 15:59 Who's Susan Cadogan? I never heard of her. 16:02 She was a Jamaican or West Indian reggae singer, I think, from the 70s or 80s. 16:09 No, John Mellencamp. There it is, John Mellencamp. Hurt so good. 16:15 I think she did it as well. 16:16 Well, if you say so. Maybe she was the cover version. Well, I'm unfamiliar with her work, but I'm sure it's excellent in every regard. 16:24 Okay. Come on, baby, make it hurt so good. I'm going to Google it while I'm talking to you, Nick. Anyway, well... 16:33 I called about... If Roger has been... 16:37 If he studied fairy tales... Fairy stories, yeah. 16:41 Well, I've actually met a few people that couldn't tell the difference between fact and fiction. They thought that things... Things from science fiction like warp drives and stargates and things are actually possible in real life. 16:54 Well, I'm sure they actually will be, if not now, then eventually. I mean, all that sort of science fiction stuff ceases to be science fiction, ceases to be sci-fi, and eventually becomes science fact. Not sci-fi anymore. Sci-fa. 17:10 At the moment, it's against the laws of physics. Is it? But Bodger didn't study the laws of physics. He studied fairy stories. 17:17 That's right, yeah. He's not remotely interested in anything that's against any laws. 17:22 Yeah, that as well. But maybe he can't tell the difference between fact and fiction. No. 17:25 Yeah, probably not. 17:27 OK, keep your eyes peeled, Keith. Excellent work. Thanks a lot, mate. 0345 6060 973. 17:34 MPs spent nearly £100,000 on a temporary bonging mechanism for Big Ben. What? 17:44 They spent £100,000 of your money so the bell could be sounded less than a dozen times during renovations. 17:54 It's not their money. What do they care? 17:59 This is Big Ben. This striking mechanism was used on just ten occasions at a cost of £10,000 per bong. 18:09 And it was commissioned because MPs wanted the bell to ring at New Year and for remembrance commemorations. They wanted the bell to ring at New Year. 18:18 when absolutely no-one could hear it because mass gatherings were banned. There were no street celebrations, and no-one lives near enough to hear them bong. So there's money well spent, ten grand a go. 18:32 Bodger could have bought twelve rolls of gold wallpaper for that. 18:37 The Elizabeth Tower is the official name for Parliament's clock tower. 18:42 It used to just be called the Clock Tower. 18:45 I mean, people called it Big Ben, but then, you know, pedants would ring in the radio and say, don't you know anything? It's not Big Ben, it's the bell. 18:54 So, Clock Tower is what it used to be called. Now it's called the Elizabeth Tower. It was changed to the Elizabeth Tower because it was felt that there wasn't enough things named after the Queen. 19:06 You know, what with only the Queen Elizabeth Country Park and the Queen Elizabeth Jubilee Country Park and the Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park and the Queen Elizabeth Hospital and the other Queen Elizabeth Hospital and the other Queen Elizabeth Hospital and the five other Queen Elizabeth Hospitals and the Queen Elizabeth Bridge and... Lots of other Queen Elizabeth bridges and dozens of roads and ways and avenues and walks and the Queen Elizabeth High School and the Queen Elizabeth College and the Queen Elizabeth Crossrail Line and the boats and the bells and basically everything that stands still long enough will eventually be renamed for the glory of Her Majesty. 19:39 Your house and your dog are probably named the Queen Elizabeth. 19:43 And if not, then patriots will want to know the reason why. But anyway, it's been under wraps. The Queen Elizabeth Tower or Big Ben Tower is always known. 19:54 And still is known by those that don't write in the radio stations and newspapers complaining about people saying the Union Jack when they're not referring to a flag on a boat. You know, those people. 20:03 Oh, fabulous. 20:05 So the decision to build a temporary striking mechanism was taken in 2017 by the House of Commons Commission, which is made up of Sir This and Dame The Other, none of whom thought that £100,000 might be better spent elsewhere. 20:20 You know, on a machine for the NHS that goes bing, for instance. 20:25 And they tie themselves in knots to try to justify the expense when it is impossible to do, as I can, with no assistance from a committee of any kind, provide the bong for free. 20:38 Just by pressing this no-cost button, I can bong your brains out. 20:46 This is LBC with Nick Abbott. Call 0345 6060 973. Tweet at LBC. Text 84850. 20:56 Now, wait a minute. 20:58 I don't like that kind of talk. Now, just stop it. It upsets me. 21:03 OK, I finally did the bong thing. 21:06 What tremendous relief. 21:09 Nothing like a good bong. I want to talk about a cartoon before the end of the show. 21:16 remind me if I don't get around to it. 21:19 JR texts, do you think we need to redefine the word party? Boris Johnson doesn't know if he was at a party or a gathering. Prince Andrew wasn't at a party. It was a shooting weekend. Nobody wants to party anymore. Maybe to avoid future confusion, political parties should be called gatherings. 21:35 Yeah, also, Boris Johnson seems to have... If indeed it was a party, if such an event actually took place... 21:44 He only ever seems to be there for ten minutes. 21:47 What was that about? 21:49 Every single thing that he's supposed to have been at, he was only there for ten minutes. 21:53 Rude. 21:55 People are going to stop inviting him if he doesn't show up for longer than that. 22:00 Sally texts. Have you heard of the Spanish woman with only one tooth in her head? She was called Juanita. Oh, my God. 22:06 A listener with material. Oh, no. Thanks a lot, Sally, but we don't wish to know that. 22:11 Let's have Oldham. Stephen. Hello. Stephen. 22:16 Nick, hi. How are you doing? 22:17 Good, thanks. 22:18 Good to talk to you again. We've spoken once before where I didn't perform quite as well as one would have hoped. 22:24 Oh, no. 22:25 I know. But never mind. So I've got two or three things I'd like to talk to you about, if that's OK. Well, let's see how one goes. Right. Well, the reason... Yeah, all right. There's no guarantees in this game. 22:37 No. 22:38 The thing I told your producer about was about the 1.25% increase in national insurance in April. 22:46 Right. Right. 22:47 And I was watching some very clever people with graphs on Thursday night. I think you know the programme. 22:53 No. No, it's got C at the end. 22:58 The letters are the same at the beginning of it. 23:01 Yeah, you got it. 23:02 No. 23:03 ITV. 23:06 OK, go on. It's the BBC, dear. Oh! The good old BBC. 23:11 Was it Antiques Roadshow? 23:13 No. 23:13 Well, then I didn't see it. 23:15 No, they had graphs on it. It was, I don't know, Maths Today or... Oh, I hate that show. The Intelligent News Program, I believe. 23:23 No, not my scene. 23:26 I think it's exactly your scene. 23:28 Anyway, they showed this graph, which is very illuminating, because... 23:34 Because the economy's come out of lockdown a little bit faster than they thought, they've actually got a surfeit of borrowing, sorry, borrowing that they don't have to make, of £13 billion. 23:46 Horse feathers? 23:48 Well, £13 billion is exactly what they would earn from the 1.25% increase in NI. 23:55 Right. 23:56 So they could have not done the NI, and they could have just used the windfall of the economy doing better than they imagined. Right. 24:03 When they say they had a surfeit, what they meant was we were still borrowing billions and billions of pounds, but not as much as they predicted that we might. We're still trillions in debt. I mean, the amount of debt that we owe continues to go up. That's not going down. It probably never will. 24:23 It's less of a debt than we had, yeah. 24:25 No, it's not less of a debt. The debt remains the same. What they're talking about is the amount of borrowing just to get by. 24:33 It's like your mortgage is not reduced by... If you don't spend as much this week on food, then your mortgage won't go down. It's still going up. It's just that you haven't spent quite so much on just living day-to-day as you used to. 24:51 Yeah. The word surfeit was badly advised then by the cat. 24:55 Yeah. 24:57 I'll have a word with her. 24:58 Okay. 24:58 So, next point, if I may. 25:02 Oh, okay then. Go on. 25:04 Yes, all right. Teeth. Teeth? Teeth. Had a bit of a problem tooth. It was an abscess under it, which looked pretty nasty and took about a year to clear up. 25:18 And she said, oh, we just need root canal on that. and uh and then to put a crown on it so i had the root canal no improvement whatsoever and then went to another dentist and he said well it's just got to come out back you shouldn't have had that root canal i thought well i didn't really have much choice when a professional tell you exactly yes do it so yeah so the root canal was 400 quid down the drain and i've lost the tooth anyway 25:46 I think dentistry is such a racket. You can't question them. You have to take on faith everything they say. Because what are you going to do? Go for a second opinion? 25:54 Well, that's what I did. I went to two second opinions. 25:57 Did you? 25:57 And the third second opinion. Yeah, I started at NHS, and I'm not particularly proud of admitting this, but I went private. 26:05 Yeah. 26:06 I'm a born-in-the-what-sit socialist. 26:10 But I was in a lot of pain. 26:12 Right. 26:13 So what do you do? Particularly when your NHS dentist says he's not very good at root canal. 26:19 Well, they don't want to, because it costs too much. They just want to take the tooth out of your head, because it's quicker, and then get on to the next person, because the government doesn't pay them that much, or it doesn't pay them as much as they would get if you were a private... Is that what it is, yeah? Yeah. 26:34 So that was... 26:36 Just saying, like, you're not on your own, mate. I was going to say something then. It's extremely painful. 26:42 Thanks, Stephen. That's good to know. 26:44 And it's a place where you can't see it. It's a place where you can't give it a rub. 26:48 And, yeah, toothache's pretty awful. 26:50 Right. 26:51 Right, so just to show a bit of solidarity for you, Nick, really. 26:54 OK, all right. Thanks a lot, mate. 26:56 I've got another point. 26:57 OK, quickly. 26:59 I wish I could remember it, though, now. I'll ring you back later. 27:01 OK, I'll look forward to it. Thanks a lot, mate. 0345 6060 973. 27:07 Now I feel much better. 27:11 I think my eyes glazed over when he started saying that, you know, it's very, very painful and there's nothing you can do about it. 27:22 Rick emails, I suspect some of my family members are cheating at Wordle. It's causing a family rift. How do you cheat at Wordle? 27:31 Unless, as that person that texted some while ago said, if you do it on two devices, then you can look it up on one device and pretend that you're guessing a new on the other one. 27:48 Highly suspicious. 27:51 That's a ridiculous thing, cheat on Wordle. What would be the point of that? 27:56 The whole idea of it is that you're playing against yourself. 28:02 Glenn texts, do you think that Putin will pick up the phone when Bodge rings him? 28:06 Especially if we've just sent a Ukraine anti-tank missiles. I don't think Root and Tootin will pick up the phone when Bodge rings him because Putin knows what Bodge is going to ask him. He's going to ask him if he can pay for his blooming wallpaper. 28:21 Jim says, remember when Brexiters said we want to leave the EU because we want to be able to hold our elected representatives to account? How's that going? 28:28 Yeah, exactly. Yes. 28:31 How's Brexit going, by the way? Brexit's going great. Thanks, Nigel. Thanks for the update. 28:41 Neil says, if you had to pick either Theresa May, David Cameron or Boris Johnson to be PM for another five years, who would you pick? Theresa May. 28:48 David Cameron to Wrigley Piggly. 28:52 Bodger, we know all about. 28:55 It's got to be Theresa May. 28:58 An actual real-life human being. I mean, OK, the shoes have got to go, but apart from that, would you like to come back? 29:07 No, you relax, Mrs M. You've done your bit. Put your feet up. Kick off those comedy clown shoes. Relax, you deserve it. Kamal texts, can you share your soup recipes, please? Yes, Kamal. Put a lot of stuff in a pot and heat it up. 29:24 And thank me late... No, wait. I've changed my mind. You can thank me now. Thank you. Tooting. 29:29 Hello, Jan. Hi, good evening, Nick. Hi, great show. Thanks. 29:34 Yes, I'm always, well, listening. Yes. So I've been... I'm picking up... 29:41 I have a... Like everyone, I'm getting... I... 29:46 Yes. But coming back to this idea of fairy tales, I'm struggling with how to... come to terms with what this government's doing and how he's still got his supporters. 29:58 Amazing. 29:58 And I've come back to this. I think people must be familiar with it. Well, I am. And I keep going back to this. 30:06 You've been speaking about fairy tales and as well, the caller earlier was mentioning fairy tales. And I come back to this fairy tale that seems to characterize something strong about this government. It says that emperor with new clothes. 30:17 Hmm. 30:18 by hans christian anderson i don't know if it's a very well-known one but it seems to it seems to characterize something about the mask this government wears in in terms of like that emperor in the stories it's like this he he um he he if anyone in his court said that the new clothes he was having made for him weren't there, because they actually weren't there. There were no clothes there. You know what I mean? It's like a mask. 30:45 Yes. 30:46 They weren't fit for office. So in a sense, like, so he went out in a public parade, totally naked. 30:54 because everyone was too afraid to say that there were actually no new clothes. And I keep thinking of, like, this might sound a bit convoluted. But if you read the fairy tale, or people know, it's like an allegory of what's going on now to me. You know, the mask is... But anyway, it's like... 31:12 He was saying, oh, the clothes are light of the spider's web. Yes, yes, yes. 31:17 The king is in the altogether, but altogether and altogether he's altogether as naked as the day that he was born. 31:22 And only right at the end, so he went out on this parade. 31:28 And some child said, look at that. 31:32 Yeah, only the child who had these innocents. 31:35 I've heard that song, Danny Kaye. It's excellent in every regard. 31:39 Yeah, but, yeah, I mean, that's the thing. I keep thinking of, like... Well, stop thinking about it, Jan. No, no, you keep telling us about the 40 hostacles that weren't built. There's the 37 billion wasted. 31:51 There's so much going on, and everyone... And Bodger Johnson's waddling about completely buck naked. Disgusting. 31:58 Yeah, and they're all looking the other way, and that's the most disgusting thing. Well, who wouldn't? 32:02 Who wouldn't look the other way? 32:03 Oh, no, no. 32:05 If you saw that, you'd avert your eyes really, really quickly, because once seen, you can't unsee it. Trust me. 32:12 Got to go, Chan, but stop thinking about it. 32:19 It's going to mess with your melon, man. 32:23 And try decaffeinated coffee once in a while. 32:25 Virtually hysterical. 32:28 Heather texts, I feel so sorry for Sue Gray. She must cringe every time she hears her name on the media. That's right. 32:35 Can you imagine? 32:37 Sue Gray, Sue Gray, Sue Gray, Sue Gray, Sue Gray, Sue Gray, Sue Gray. I don't believe that any such person exists. It's a figment of our imagination. They're just trying to hypnotize us. If they just keep saying that name over and over again, we'll fall into a trance. 32:53 Gwenny texts, looking for some plutonium for my handmade thermonuclear weapon. I just don't trust Bodger's diplomatic efforts. 33:00 Well, the best of luck with that, Gwenny. 33:02 Hey, you know what needs to come back? 24. 33:05 I was thinking about that just the other day because I've been enjoying the new series of Dexter, which is very good. Haven't got to the end of it yet. 33:15 But 24, they really need to make 24 again, don't they? I'd be thrilled if they did that again. 33:21 Enough time's gone by. You've just got to get the right script, that's all. Don't bring it back if you haven't got the script. 33:28 But somebody should be able to write that. 33:31 I bet they're thinking about it right now. 33:33 Stick it in the can and squirt it up the television. 33:39 Margaret emails, when Boris was Foreign Secretary, he went to Iran to get out Nazanin Zaghari Ratcliffe, freed from prison. She's still there. 33:47 What do you think Boris's chances would be in negotiations with Vlad avoiding World War III? I'd say nil. I'd say nil too. 33:55 As in zero. 33:58 In a confidence vote, says Will, of the new 359 Conservative MPs, the Prime Minister needs 180 yes to win. 34:06 What do you think would happen if he got 200 yes and 159 no? 34:11 Conventional wisdom would be that he would have to resign, but what if he decided to carry on? The Conservative Party would be in a state of civil war, aren't they? Aren't they already? I mean, we've got Fishy Sunak on manoeuvres, we've got the Brains Trust, who fancies our chances, fancies her chances, rather. 34:27 And if it's either of those two, I don't fancy our chances. This country's going down. 34:34 We're doomed. 34:37 Tim texts, snooker is more than a pastime. It's a game like chess, but also involves motor skills, the same as darts or croquet or bowls, yet none of which are a sport either. 34:49 He says, a sport must involve physical strength. 34:53 Um, yeah. 34:58 He says, then Formula One is a sport because it requires a lot of strength. It's not a game. 35:03 No, it's a pastime. 35:05 It's a very, very expensive, very quick and hideous-sounding pastime. Not a sport. 35:12 Ian texts, and neither is poker, by the way. 35:18 I mean, I know that these sports stations are in want of things to cover, because, you know, they're on 24 hours a day. But poker is not a sport. Correct. Just isn't. 35:32 Ian texts, considering Bodger's last two foreign diplomacy achievements, where the Brexit Northern Ireland disagreement and the Nazarene Ratcliffe imprisonment, can we please, please keep him away from Putin and Ukraine? Thank you, says Ian. Too late, Ian. 35:50 Waz text, there's a restaurant in Newcastle called The Cog and The Wheel, and it has a fishy sunak on the menu for £9.50. 35:58 You're kidding. 36:00 Really? 36:02 Well, hey, now, wait a minute. That's my idea. Calling him fishy. I want some of that £9.50. I think about at least a pound for whatever it is that you're selling at that price should come my way. 36:15 And Brian emails, please keep banging on about Brexit, but put the boot in a bit more. 36:21 Well, there'll be plenty of time because we'll be suffering from it from now until, you know, the world explodes. It should be about three weeks from now. 36:30 I can't bring myself to talk about it anymore at the moment, although I do have detailed files right in front of me. I could if necessary, but I don't believe that I have the patience. 36:41 Corby, Martin. 36:43 Hello? Yes, Martin. 36:45 It's Nigel. Can I call you Martin? 36:49 You can if you want. Great! 36:50 What's up, Martin? 36:53 No, earlier on you said about the... 36:56 You know, the bong, £100,000 or that kind of thing. Yes. And there was no point because no one could hear it. 37:02 Right. 37:04 I do agree that, you know, £100,000 is a lot, but you can hear it because my parents used to live not far from there, and it was a memory that I used to have before they both died. 37:19 Your parents used to live in hearing distance from Big Ben. Right. 37:26 My parents used to live on Hercules Road, which was just over, opposite St. James's, near St. Thomas's. So you could hear it all the time. 37:38 Blimey. 37:40 And my mother died in 2012. We used to go down every New Year, and it was part of our... New Year celebrations. Exactly. Exactly. 37:54 Well, I'll go to the foot of our stairs. £100,000, a little bit too much, yeah. 38:00 It's too much, yes, and there's other ways they could have done it. 38:02 Well, they could have just asked me. I could have provided it for them. No cost whatsoever. 38:08 I'll bong your brains out for nothing. 38:17 Zero cost to you, the consumer. 38:20 But your statement about no one could hear it was incorrect. 38:23 Incorrect in every respect. All right, thanks for setting me straight there, Nigel. 38:29 Andy texts, a few requests for Bodger's Clash karaoke. Bank robber, should I stay or should I go? What's my name? Lost in the supermarket and straight to hell. 38:39 Were they all Clash songs? 38:43 Um... 38:45 My interest in the class sort of dissipated after the first album. 38:59 I just did that on the radio. Sorry about that. I do apologise. I just got carried away. 39:04 I am very sorry that I screwed up. Totally screwed up. 39:08 I mean, I am so sorry. You just don't know how sorry I am. I am sorry. 39:15 I want to get this in. Disney. Disney itself has come under furious fire after debuting a woke new look for Minnie Mouse. 39:23 This is this cartoon thing I've been talking about. 39:26 A woke new look for... Anybody says the word woke just to smile politely and back us quickly out of the room. 39:35 A woke new look for Minnie Mouse. People are very, very angry about it. It's seen the beloved character abandon the signature red polka dot dress in favour of a progressive blue pantsuit designed by Stella McCartney. Boo! People are furiously angry, standing in the middle of the street with their fists clenched, screaming the place down because Minnie Mouse has changed her clothes. Because, you know, that makes sense. Boo! 39:59 It's what they've come up with to take our mind off the state we're in, to make us angry about a mouse that doesn't exist. Oh, fabulous. Disneyland Paris unveiled Minnie Mouse's new outfit on Tuesday of this week via Twitter, announcing that Minnie has undergone a high-fashion makeover in honour of its 30th anniversary. 40:19 But, as you would expect, a woke watch went into overdrive and people who can vote were turning the Twittersphere blue with their confected outrage. 40:29 Go woke, go broke. They all smashed into their keyboards at once, like they've been programmed like robots. Correct. 40:38 The amount of times I've read that phrase this week, people who... They just read these phrases because it makes them think that it sounds like they know what they're talking about. 40:49 Meaningless. 40:52 Mini Mouse was created almost 100 years ago. 40:55 in 1928, and has famously worn a little red and white polka dot dress for that period of time. Until now. 41:04 Her new look apparently not only ditches the dress, but also sees the character switching up her red ensemble for a blue one. Blue? 41:15 Stella McCartney created the new sustainable costume for Minnie in honour of Women's History Month, which takes place in March. Uh-oh. 41:25 Woke alert! Warning! 41:26 Warning! 41:27 And in celebration of the French Park's anniversary, explaining that the ensemble is meant to transform the cartoon into a symbol of progress for a new generation. Yeah, whatever. 41:37 It's a cartoon. Don't get carried away. 41:40 Sustainable. 41:43 It was last drawn when people got around in horse and cart. 41:49 And otherwise supposedly sane people who may have had children and passed on those jeans are so furious about it that you could hear them scream through concrete. 41:59 The move was met, reports the Mail, with uproar online, where many are questioning why Minnie has been given a woke new makeover. What is it with people and the word woke? 42:12 woke is being concerned for the feelings of others. 42:17 And respecting the feelings of others is apparently enough to make a large number of people very angry. 42:23 Well, the whole world's gone crazy. 42:25 Yeah. 42:28 Minnie Mouse, one of its most well-known characters, has been changed a little bit by Stella McCartney, dressing her in a blue polka-dot blazer with matching pants instead of the white, red and polka-dot dress. 42:40 And how many people are likely to see it? 42:43 You know, considering that no one watches Minnie Mouse cartoons now. But that doesn't stop them getting angry. 42:52 If Minnie Mouse turned into a killer robot halfway through a cartoon, then people might watch it. Otherwise, not so much. 43:02 But it doesn't stop them getting angry. 43:05 Grown-ups who wouldn't watch it if they were paid are expressing how furious they are in public. 43:14 We can see you. 43:17 The change was met with a very cold shoulder from fans, says the male. Fans. 43:25 They launched a vicious attack against the company with one person calling Minnie's new look more woke BS. Oh, for crying out loud. 43:34 Just wait till those cartoon bosses see what Betty Boop looks like. 43:39 and realised that Donald Duck isn't wearing any trousers. Disgusting. Put it away, Donnie. 43:45 Even Goofy thinks that's too much. 43:50 And on that somewhat unseemly note, that's it. 43:54 If you subscribe to this podcast, the next episode will get squirted up your life as though by magic on Tuesdays and Thursdays. And those are the same days that the podcast that I do with Carol McGiffin comes out. It's called What's Your Problem with Nick and Carol? In which Carol McGiffin and I try to solve people's problems while guffawing like seals. If you've got a problem, issue, conundrum, something like that, then simply send it to the following address, nickandcarol at global.com, N-I-C-K-A-N-D-C-A-R-O-L at global.com and prepare to be totally satisfied. 44:28 Ask for it by name on the internet near you. What's your problem with Nick and Carol? And now there is a Nick Abbott, the whole show plus, which is our offering, which gives you the Friday and Saturday shows as podcasts, advert-free, plus an extra show in which I wipe up all of the messages that I couldn't get through on Friday and Saturday, plus all the news stories that I didn't have time for over the weekend. That becomes available on Mondays. 44:58 Plus, you get a newsletter straight into your inbox on Fridays, which wipes up the week's news and launches us into the weekend's shows. It's called Nick Abbott, The Whole Show Plus. It's on Global Player and the new LBC app. And I think you'll love it. 45:16 And I'll be back on the radio Friday, Saturday, Sunday night at 10. And until then, I'll be seeing you. Bye-bye. 45:22 This has been a Global Production.